Planning Ahead

I am a serious list maker, planner aheader and scheduler of all things to do with my life and family. If I don't have it written down, most likely I will forget to buy it, show up to it or do it. So, every year I buy a yearly planner which breaks down each month into weeks and has columns for grocery lists, weekly to-do lists, areas to write down doctors' appointments as well as birthdays and anniversarys. Whew. It is my mommy bible. I have everything in there.

Well, I got my new one last week for 2011 and yesterday I began the oh-so-exciting yearly task of transferring over birthdays and anniversarys (I love when people send me a card or call, so I like to do the same!) to the new planner. Let me just tell you, February and October were difficult, but I did write these special days down and will continue to for as long as I have a planner. He has not left my life; I just can't speak directly to him or see him whenever I want to anymore. I will always keep these days close to my heart.

February 9th - Dad's Birthday
October 12th - Mom and Dad's Anniversary

However, April is going to be the most difficult month for me and for all of my family. Writing down Kaitlyn's 1st birthday on April 30th was so exciting! I love her more each and every single day. She is a wonderful baby and has such a unique personality - laid back, giggly, loving, inquisitive and happy. But always, every single year from now until I die, her birthday will be two days after my dad died. It is not her fault; it is not anyone's fault. I will be unbearably sad on April 28th and wonderfully happy and thankful on April 30th. Hopefully, someday, the pain of the 28th will lessen and I will be able to re-live all of the wonderful memories of my dad's life here on Earth...but that will not happen in 2011...I will feel alone and overwhelmingly sad. Feelings are not usually something you can plan ahead of time, but I'm positive about how I will feel next April 28th, and it won't be joyful, happy or anything of the sort. I will feel loss, a huge loss.

What do I write in my planner on April 28th? For now it is conspicuously empty because empty is all I feel.