Monday, July 26, 2010

At This Rate...

I will get to my goal weight in just under 4 years.  Great.  Weighed in at 201.4 lbs this morning.  Guess it didn't help that I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was crying or that I cried through Kaitlyn's 3:30am feeding.  Talked to my Mom last night and she told me that my father's head stone is at his grave.  I guess I wasn't prepared for it because I cried the rest of the night when I hung up the phone.  Think we're going to go visit his grave this weekend though the bronze military marker isn't there yet.  My Mom said another 3-4 weeks for that I guess.  I am pretty sure I should go see someone to talk through my grief, etc. but I don't know when I'm supposed to fit that into my life.  I can't even fit a shower in most days, unless I want to risk Kaitlyn crying, which I guess wouldn't be a big deal for a few minutes.  How am I supposed to take care of two kids under 3, cook a healthy dinner, clean the house, lose weight (right, that's working well), connect with my husband, keep in touch with friends and on and on?  How do people do this?  Other than the birth of my daughter, this has been the absolutely worst year of my 33 years of life.  I hate 2010 and I wish it would just be over so I could get back to my regularly-scheduled happy life...though I am afraid a part of me will never be happy again. 

My Dad was the nicest person in the whole world and the last time I saw him was exactly 3 months ago, today.  He came down with my Mom and brother to watch Nolan so I could go to my last prenatal doctor's appointment.  I came home and my Mom, Dad and I walked around my neighborhood while Nolan rode his tricycle.  I remember my Dad saying hello to someone I had never seen before that was walking past us.  That is just how he was...always friendly to everyone.  We stopped at a little area with bouncy trains and my Dad helped Nolan get on and off of them.  We came home and I took them all out to lunch for my Mom's birthday, which had been 4 days earlier.  We had such a great lunch and joked about me getting a spicy chicken sandwich because maybe it would induce labor!  The last time I saw my dad, and I'll never forget it, I was putting Nolan in his car seat and my Dad was standing up on the sidewalk out in front of the restaurant with a toothpick in his mouth.  He was telling me that he would see us on Saturday morning (I had an NST appointment at the hospital scheduled for that day) and I told him to drive careful.  I can't remember if I told him I loved him and I wish with all my heart that I could go back and give him the biggest hug and kiss in the whole world, but I didn't do that.  I remember we both pulled out and at the light they turned right to go home and I turned left.  I never saw my Dad alive again.

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