I feel like I should write about how I am feeling today, but my mind is blank. I couldn't even think of a title for this post and am in a complete haze today. Kaitlyn was up from about 3am on and off until 7am and is now just going back down for a nap at 9am, hopefully. So, I'm not only depressed but I'm also exhausted.
Six months ago tonight, my father died at home in his bed from a heart attack. My mother found him and she heard little gasps of breath, but his whole face was red and she new something was wrong. My brother tried to save him by giving him CPR and even ran outside to get a neighbor to try to help. The paramedics tried for over an hour to revive him - to no avail - he was gone. He was only 67 years old, and just barely.
When my brother called me that night, April 28th, I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My husband and I were getting ready to take Nolan upstairs to read him his bedtime stories and say goodnight. I don't know what made me answer my cell phone, because it was 8pm-ish and I normally would have just let it go to voicemail and would have checked it when I got done with Nolan's bedtime routine. But, I answered it when I saw it was my brother, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I still remember where I was standing in the kitchen and how my heart started racing. I remember yelling, screaming and crying. I remember looking to my husband, who was holding Nolan getting ready to go upstairs for bedtime - the look on my husband's face and how he immediately started crying. I was kneeling on the floor and my whole life flashed before me. My dad was so much a part of my life - all of our lives.
He had just been to our house two days prior to watch Nolan for me so I could go to my OB appointment. We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I took him, my mom and brother out to lunch afterwards to celebrate my mom's birthday, which had been the week before. It just didn't seem real - it still doesn't.
I am so sad. I miss my dad so much. I thought this was supposed to get better. I have a husband and two children who need me and I can barely function. I don't care what I look like anymore and I wish I did - I want to care. I'm taking some medication for situational depression - as my doctor calls it - and I usually feel okay in the mornings but horrible by the end of the day. I'm numb.
I cry every night as I lay in bed praying that nobody else I care about dies but I know they all will - we all will die, that is for certain. I believe in and love God. I know my father is with Him now but I selfishly wish he was still here with us. I wish he had gotten the chance to meet his granddaughter who shares his middle name. I wish he had been here to see Nolan turn 3 years old. I wish he could see the new paint colors we picked out for our house and the new patio we put in. There is not a day that has gone by in the last six months where I have not wanted to call my dad to tell him something, to hear his voice and his laugh. I can't bear to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year without him. I would always come down the stairs at our house the morning of Christmas and he would have the tree lights on, Christmas music playing, coffee in hand smiling and wishing me "Merry Christmas".
This sucks. I can't stop crying and it's only 9:15am. I know I am lucky to have had a wonderful, caring, loving father but I sure wish I could at least give him one more hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.
It's been six months and other than Kaitlyn being born, it has been the absolute worst six months of my 33 years of life. I want to enjoy my life with my kids. I want to be as awesome of a parent as my dad was to me. I want to know how to go on.
I love you dad - always.