Monday, June 28, 2010

Here We Go - I Can't Believe I'm Posting This

It will be two months this evening since my dad has passed away and I feel like a large part of me has "passed" away as well.  I am not really interested in much, not that I have a lot of free time with an almost two month old baby and a 2 and 1/2 year old toddler.  But I used to care about things, used to plan play dates and dinners with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the drive to do these things anymore and I'm sick of feeling this way.  It is not PPD, I think I had a moderate case of that with my son, but this is different.  It has nothing to do with me feeling like I'm a bad mother or being overwhelmed or anything...that is what I felt like with my son.  I know it has to do with my dad's death but I just don't know how to go about feeling like my old self again. 

So, I would like to use my blog, which is relatively new and had no real point to it anyway, to document my journey.  I would call it a weight loss blog, except this is about so much more than my weight.  I need to change a lot of things in my life, though weight is a big one to me.  I have always struggled with my weight and having 2 children has just made it more difficult to manage.  I am somewhere between 5' 6'' and 5' 7'' tall and before I got pregnant with my son in 2007 I weighed about 160 lbs and wore a size 10.  I was working out and eating relatively healthy.  I felt great.  I was happy.  I have never been "skinny" and probably never will.  I liked my curves and had no problem with being a size 10. 

My husband and I in Punta Cana, September 2008, a few months before I became pregnant with my son.

After I had my son and decided I needed to lose weight, I weighed 194 and got down to 174 and a size 14, a size 12 in some types of clothing, before I got pregnant with my daughter last year.  The trainer at our gym, whom I had asked for help, evaluated my fitness level before I started losing weight and said my ideal weight for my age/height was 138 lbs.  Ha!  I've no recollection of ever weighing that, but okay.  I had been working out 4 times a week and eating better.  It took me about 7 months to lose those 20 lbs once I dedicated myself to doing so.  It was difficult for me to lose weight with a child and nobody nearby to watch him so I could go to the gym, but my son loved the gym daycare, so it was getting a bit easier...we had a daily routine.  I was going out with friends, taking my son on lots of play dates and my marriage was happy and healthy. 

December 2008 - around when I started dedicating myself to losing the baby weight from my 1st pregnancy 

Dave Matthews Band concert with my best friend - July 2009 - down 20 lbs - I became pregnant with my daughter a few days after this photo was taken

Then, I became pregnant again.  I vowed to do everything different so that I didn't have to go through all the weight loss again, but I became very sick with her and could only keep down bread basically.  I gained more weight than I wanted to with this pregnancy and am now right back where I started...only worse.  I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 206.8 lbs!  That is horrible and I feel horrible.  I can't believe I'm letting anyone, and everyone, know how much I weigh but hopefully it will make me stick to my goals.  I know that ultimately I only have to answer to myself, but maybe if I feel guilty about letting down my readers I will do even better!  I feel crappy. I have no energy and hate picking out clothes every day.  I miss myself.

Father's Day - June 2010 - Kaitlyn and I celebrating at home

I laid out big picture goals in Saturday's post but I also think I should have mini goals.  Heaven knows I cannot accomplish everything I would like to in a matter of days, or months.  I am not naive; I know I am not on "The Biggest Loser" or "Oprah".  I do not have unlimited funds to hire a personal trainer, nanny or chef.  I cannot lose 90 lbs, eat 100% healthy all the time, make love to my husband daily, be a perfect mother all day every day or suddenly just be done grieving my dad's death overnight.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am hoping to re-discover the joys in my life I once had.  I will never be boring is that?  I just want to be happy...maybe 90% of the time?  :) 

Here is what I'm thinking...I am going to eliminate soda pop and fast food from my diet.  I am going to drink more water and eat more fruit and veggies.  I am going to re-instate my gym membership and make sure I am active every day for at least 30 minutes, preferably with my family.  I am going to set aside at least one night a week to hang out with my husband once the kids are both in bed...I usually just go to bed because I am so exhausted.  Lastly, I am going to make sure I post here on my blog at least 3 times a week about how I am feeling in general but also specifically my feelings regarding my dad's death.  I don't know if I'm ready to see a professional to discuss my issues regarding this but maybe if I write about my feelings it will be like I'm "talking" to a psychiatrist.  If it doesn't work, I can definitely explore that option; I'm not ruling it out.

These are just my short-term goals and I plan to set more specific goals after 2 weeks, once I see how I am doing.  Some things will probably have to be modified, added, subtracted, whatever.  This is my best attempt at becoming a better me.  Thanks for your goes nothing, I mean, here goes something...

My dad and I on my wedding day - September 24, 2005

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. :( I lost mine when I was young, and I just lost my grandpa (who raised me) last year. It is very hard. And though I only have one baby, I'm struggling with the weight loss too. I miss myself, and I miss having more than 1 pair of pants and 2 shirts that fit. :(


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