Attack of the Shoulds

I should help my Mom more.
I should have dinner ready every evening when my husband arrives home.
I should have a clean house all the time.
I should lose 80 pounds by the end of the summer.
I should feel normal again.
I should be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend.
I should do my hair and wear makeup every day.
I should have begged my father to go to the doctor.
I should be happy about myself the way I am currently.
I should socialize with other moms more often so I appear normal.
I should care more about the clothes I wear.
I should have my kids enrolled in soccer, tee ball, gymnastics, karate, hockey, etc.
I should work out every day.
I should get out of the house and figure out how to talk about normal things again.
I should have told my father how much he meant to me.
I should be over this.

Everywhere

This morning, sitting on the rug in our furniture-less dining room while my kids played, I could see it clearly. I could see our dining room table beautifully set for Thanksgiving dinner, the buffet filled with yummy foods and decorated with little paper turkeys. I heard the laughter of our loving family, the music of glasses being filled with wine and the children filled with excitement. I actually felt full of happiness...and then I felt the tears begin to well up in my eyes.

When we bought this house two years ago, I envisioned all of the things we would do as a family here - all of these things included my father. He made my childhood, my entire life, happy and I always felt I could do anything if my dad thought I could. As hard as I try, I cannot remember a time in which he yelled at me, though he must have, right? I was in a pretty horrible car accident my senior year of high school. I was driving and my car was totalled. My dad never once said anything other than he was so happy I wasn't hurt. He took me car shopping to find a replacement and sat with me on my bed as I walked our insurance company through what happened over the phone.

Seriously, my dad was my hero and I miss him so much. I see him everywhere and in everything and I just can't fathom that he is gone. Forever. I'm in pain.

My dad, me and my Aunt Pat at a festival in 2004

Planning Ahead

I am a serious list maker, planner aheader and scheduler of all things to do with my life and family. If I don't have it written down, most likely I will forget to buy it, show up to it or do it. So, every year I buy a yearly planner which breaks down each month into weeks and has columns for grocery lists, weekly to-do lists, areas to write down doctors' appointments as well as birthdays and anniversarys. Whew. It is my mommy bible. I have everything in there.

Well, I got my new one last week for 2011 and yesterday I began the oh-so-exciting yearly task of transferring over birthdays and anniversarys (I love when people send me a card or call, so I like to do the same!) to the new planner. Let me just tell you, February and October were difficult, but I did write these special days down and will continue to for as long as I have a planner. He has not left my life; I just can't speak directly to him or see him whenever I want to anymore. I will always keep these days close to my heart.

February 9th - Dad's Birthday
October 12th - Mom and Dad's Anniversary

However, April is going to be the most difficult month for me and for all of my family. Writing down Kaitlyn's 1st birthday on April 30th was so exciting! I love her more each and every single day. She is a wonderful baby and has such a unique personality - laid back, giggly, loving, inquisitive and happy. But always, every single year from now until I die, her birthday will be two days after my dad died. It is not her fault; it is not anyone's fault. I will be unbearably sad on April 28th and wonderfully happy and thankful on April 30th. Hopefully, someday, the pain of the 28th will lessen and I will be able to re-live all of the wonderful memories of my dad's life here on Earth...but that will not happen in 2011...I will feel alone and overwhelmingly sad. Feelings are not usually something you can plan ahead of time, but I'm positive about how I will feel next April 28th, and it won't be joyful, happy or anything of the sort. I will feel loss, a huge loss.

What do I write in my planner on April 28th? For now it is conspicuously empty because empty is all I feel.

Blank

I feel like I should write about how I am feeling today, but my mind is blank. I couldn't even think of a title for this post and am in a complete haze today. Kaitlyn was up from about 3am on and off until 7am and is now just going back down for a nap at 9am, hopefully. So, I'm not only depressed but I'm also exhausted.

Six months ago tonight, my father died at home in his bed from a heart attack. My mother found him and she heard little gasps of breath, but his whole face was red and she new something was wrong. My brother tried to save him by giving him CPR and even ran outside to get a neighbor to try to help. The paramedics tried for over an hour to revive him - to no avail - he was gone. He was only 67 years old, and just barely.

When my brother called me that night, April 28th, I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My husband and I were getting ready to take Nolan upstairs to read him his bedtime stories and say goodnight. I don't know what made me answer my cell phone, because it was 8pm-ish and I normally would have just let it go to voicemail and would have checked it when I got done with Nolan's bedtime routine. But, I answered it when I saw it was my brother, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I still remember where I was standing in the kitchen and how my heart started racing. I remember yelling, screaming and crying. I remember looking to my husband, who was holding Nolan getting ready to go upstairs for bedtime - the look on my husband's face and how he immediately started crying. I was kneeling on the floor and my whole life flashed before me. My dad was so much a part of my life - all of our lives.

He had just been to our house two days prior to watch Nolan for me so I could go to my OB appointment. We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I took him, my mom and brother out to lunch afterwards to celebrate my mom's birthday, which had been the week before. It just didn't seem real - it still doesn't.

I am so sad. I miss my dad so much. I thought this was supposed to get better. I have a husband and two children who need me and I can barely function. I don't care what I look like anymore and I wish I did - I want to care. I'm taking some medication for situational depression - as my doctor calls it - and I usually feel okay in the mornings but horrible by the end of the day. I'm numb.

I cry every night as I lay in bed praying that nobody else I care about dies but I know they all will - we all will die, that is for certain. I believe in and love God. I know my father is with Him now but I selfishly wish he was still here with us. I wish he had gotten the chance to meet his granddaughter who shares his middle name. I wish he had been here to see Nolan turn 3 years old. I wish he could see the new paint colors we picked out for our house and the new patio we put in. There is not a day that has gone by in the last six months where I have not wanted to call my dad to tell him something, to hear his voice and his laugh. I can't bear to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year without him. I would always come down the stairs at our house the morning of Christmas and he would have the tree lights on, Christmas music playing, coffee in hand smiling and wishing me "Merry Christmas".

This sucks. I can't stop crying and it's only 9:15am. I know I am lucky to have had a wonderful, caring, loving father but I sure wish I could at least give him one more hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.

It's been six months and other than Kaitlyn being born, it has been the absolute worst six months of my 33 years of life. I want to enjoy my life with my kids. I want to be as awesome of a parent as my dad was to me. I want to know how to go on.

I love you dad - always.

Not So Wordless Wednesday - MSU Spartan Fans

We are a family of Michigan State University Spartan fans. I went to school there as did my brother, both of my cousins, my uncle and my mom.  The biggest Spartan fan I have ever met though, was my dad. He attended Western Michigan University (as did my husband!) but since we lived on the East side of the state it wasn't very feasible for us to attend athletic events at WMU. My dad was the biggest MSU fan EVER with season tickets to football and basketball games and at one point hockey too.

This year, MSU has a wonderful football team. Their head coach, Mark D'Antonio is awesome! He reminds me of my dad...unfortunately a little too much. Coach D'Antonio suffered a heart attack after the MSU football team beat Notre Dame last month in a spectacular fake-field-goal for the touchdown finish. I immediately thought of my dad and how he wasn't as lucky. He didn't survive his heart attack. I am so thankful that Coach did and that he will soon be back on the field with his team. They are currently undefeated and don't think for a second that my dad hasn't had anything to do with this amazing season - because in my heart, I know he has been high-fiving God after every MSU touchdown!

Go Green! Go White! Go State!

Lost

I don't know where to go from here.

Physically, I know exactly where I am located. Mentally and emotionally, I have no clue where I am or where I am going to end up.

I love my beautiful children and I love my husband but I am far from loving myself.  My new self.  This person who is left after death and birth.  I feel so different than I did before but nothing else seems to have changed.

Still, almost 6 months later, I catch myself thinking that this is all a horrible nightmare.  Then I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that God has given me a gift - the gift of life.  I feel so selfish.  I want to feel better.  I want to not miss him so much.  I want to stop crying.  Every. Single. Day.

Heartache

Five months ago tonight, almost to the minute, my brother called me to tell me that my dad had died. It isn't getting any easier and I have no more words to describe how much I miss my dad.  I pray and cry every single day. I love you dad.