Ugh...I Detest You, Yummy Mexican Food

I was doing pretty well with the food part of my goals...until dinner today.  I had another stressful day with the kids at home...my son doesn't want to nap and neither does the baby.  I didn't have time to shower, did two loads of laundry, changed the crib sheets and almost constantly had to hold baby girl.  She was not crying but quite fussy and wanted to be near me, which is fine.  I discovered why she was so fussy...around 4:30pm or so she had a giant poopy!  Luckily, she was wearing her bumGenius AIO...I love that dipe on her!  She pooped her life away and that dipe did not leak!  Love it!  Anyway, I digress.  My husband was running late and so I had to give baby girl her bath and get her to bed by myself.  That is no big deal except my son doesn't love being by himself long and so I had to turn the TV on...ugh.  Oh well, sue me.  I got her to bed and my husband is on the computer looking up take out places.  I am exhausted and have no will to argue.  Luckily, the Italian place was closed or I would have done even more damage.  We settled on Mexican and I decided chicken fajitas wouldn't be that bad...chicken, veggies, salsa.  Except I could not resist the darn flour tortillas, rice and cheese.  Oh well.  I didn't finish the cheese or rice and didn't eat one tortilla chip, so I guess it was a small victory...a very, very small victory.  :)  Here is to hoping my resolve is strong over the Holiday weekend!

Here We Go - I Can't Believe I'm Posting This

It will be two months this evening since my dad has passed away and I feel like a large part of me has "passed" away as well.  I am not really interested in much, not that I have a lot of free time with an almost two month old baby and a 2 and 1/2 year old toddler.  But I used to care about things, used to plan play dates and dinners with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the drive to do these things anymore and I'm sick of feeling this way.  It is not PPD, I think I had a moderate case of that with my son, but this is different.  It has nothing to do with me feeling like I'm a bad mother or being overwhelmed or anything...that is what I felt like with my son.  I know it has to do with my dad's death but I just don't know how to go about feeling like my old self again. 

So, I would like to use my blog, which is relatively new and had no real point to it anyway, to document my journey.  I would call it a weight loss blog, except this is about so much more than my weight.  I need to change a lot of things in my life, though weight is a big one to me.  I have always struggled with my weight and having 2 children has just made it more difficult to manage.  I am somewhere between 5' 6'' and 5' 7'' tall and before I got pregnant with my son in 2007 I weighed about 160 lbs and wore a size 10.  I was working out and eating relatively healthy.  I felt great.  I was happy.  I have never been "skinny" and probably never will.  I liked my curves and had no problem with being a size 10. 

My husband and I in Punta Cana, September 2008, a few months before I became pregnant with my son.

After I had my son and decided I needed to lose weight, I weighed 194 and got down to 174 and a size 14, a size 12 in some types of clothing, before I got pregnant with my daughter last year.  The trainer at our gym, whom I had asked for help, evaluated my fitness level before I started losing weight and said my ideal weight for my age/height was 138 lbs.  Ha!  I've no recollection of ever weighing that, but okay.  I had been working out 4 times a week and eating better.  It took me about 7 months to lose those 20 lbs once I dedicated myself to doing so.  It was difficult for me to lose weight with a child and nobody nearby to watch him so I could go to the gym, but my son loved the gym daycare, so it was getting a bit easier...we had a daily routine.  I was going out with friends, taking my son on lots of play dates and my marriage was happy and healthy. 

December 2008 - around when I started dedicating myself to losing the baby weight from my 1st pregnancy 

Dave Matthews Band concert with my best friend - July 2009 - down 20 lbs - I became pregnant with my daughter a few days after this photo was taken

Then, I became pregnant again.  I vowed to do everything different so that I didn't have to go through all the weight loss again, but I became very sick with her and could only keep down bread basically.  I gained more weight than I wanted to with this pregnancy and am now right back where I started...only worse.  I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 206.8 lbs!  That is horrible and I feel horrible.  I can't believe I'm letting anyone, and everyone, know how much I weigh but hopefully it will make me stick to my goals.  I know that ultimately I only have to answer to myself, but maybe if I feel guilty about letting down my readers I will do even better!  I feel crappy. I have no energy and hate picking out clothes every day.  I miss myself.

Father's Day - June 2010 - Kaitlyn and I celebrating at home

I laid out big picture goals in Saturday's post but I also think I should have mini goals.  Heaven knows I cannot accomplish everything I would like to in a matter of days, or months.  I am not naive; I know I am not on "The Biggest Loser" or "Oprah".  I do not have unlimited funds to hire a personal trainer, nanny or chef.  I cannot lose 90 lbs, eat 100% healthy all the time, make love to my husband daily, be a perfect mother all day every day or suddenly just be done grieving my dad's death overnight.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am hoping to re-discover the joys in my life I once had.  I will never be pefect...how boring is that?  I just want to be happy...maybe 90% of the time?  :) 

Here is what I'm thinking...I am going to eliminate soda pop and fast food from my diet.  I am going to drink more water and eat more fruit and veggies.  I am going to re-instate my gym membership and make sure I am active every day for at least 30 minutes, preferably with my family.  I am going to set aside at least one night a week to hang out with my husband once the kids are both in bed...I usually just go to bed because I am so exhausted.  Lastly, I am going to make sure I post here on my blog at least 3 times a week about how I am feeling in general but also specifically my feelings regarding my dad's death.  I don't know if I'm ready to see a professional to discuss my issues regarding this but maybe if I write about my feelings it will be like I'm "talking" to a psychiatrist.  If it doesn't work, I can definitely explore that option; I'm not ruling it out.

These are just my short-term goals and I plan to set more specific goals after 2 weeks, once I see how I am doing.  Some things will probably have to be modified, added, subtracted, whatever.  This is my best attempt at becoming a better me.  Thanks for your support...here goes nothing, I mean, here goes something...

My dad and I on my wedding day - September 24, 2005