I am a serious list maker, planner aheader and scheduler of all things to do with my life and family. If I don't have it written down, most likely I will forget to buy it, show up to it or do it. So, every year I buy a yearly planner which breaks down each month into weeks and has columns for grocery lists, weekly to-do lists, areas to write down doctors' appointments as well as birthdays and anniversarys. Whew. It is my mommy bible. I have everything in there.
Well, I got my new one last week for 2011 and yesterday I began the oh-so-exciting yearly task of transferring over birthdays and anniversarys (I love when people send me a card or call, so I like to do the same!) to the new planner. Let me just tell you, February and October were difficult, but I did write these special days down and will continue to for as long as I have a planner. He has not left my life; I just can't speak directly to him or see him whenever I want to anymore. I will always keep these days close to my heart.
February 9th - Dad's Birthday
October 12th - Mom and Dad's Anniversary
However, April is going to be the most difficult month for me and for all of my family. Writing down Kaitlyn's 1st birthday on April 30th was so exciting! I love her more each and every single day. She is a wonderful baby and has such a unique personality - laid back, giggly, loving, inquisitive and happy. But always, every single year from now until I die, her birthday will be two days after my dad died. It is not her fault; it is not anyone's fault. I will be unbearably sad on April 28th and wonderfully happy and thankful on April 30th. Hopefully, someday, the pain of the 28th will lessen and I will be able to re-live all of the wonderful memories of my dad's life here on Earth...but that will not happen in 2011...I will feel alone and overwhelmingly sad. Feelings are not usually something you can plan ahead of time, but I'm positive about how I will feel next April 28th, and it won't be joyful, happy or anything of the sort. I will feel loss, a huge loss.
What do I write in my planner on April 28th? For now it is conspicuously empty because empty is all I feel.
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Blank
I feel like I should write about how I am feeling today, but my mind is blank. I couldn't even think of a title for this post and am in a complete haze today. Kaitlyn was up from about 3am on and off until 7am and is now just going back down for a nap at 9am, hopefully. So, I'm not only depressed but I'm also exhausted.
Six months ago tonight, my father died at home in his bed from a heart attack. My mother found him and she heard little gasps of breath, but his whole face was red and she new something was wrong. My brother tried to save him by giving him CPR and even ran outside to get a neighbor to try to help. The paramedics tried for over an hour to revive him - to no avail - he was gone. He was only 67 years old, and just barely.
When my brother called me that night, April 28th, I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My husband and I were getting ready to take Nolan upstairs to read him his bedtime stories and say goodnight. I don't know what made me answer my cell phone, because it was 8pm-ish and I normally would have just let it go to voicemail and would have checked it when I got done with Nolan's bedtime routine. But, I answered it when I saw it was my brother, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I still remember where I was standing in the kitchen and how my heart started racing. I remember yelling, screaming and crying. I remember looking to my husband, who was holding Nolan getting ready to go upstairs for bedtime - the look on my husband's face and how he immediately started crying. I was kneeling on the floor and my whole life flashed before me. My dad was so much a part of my life - all of our lives.
He had just been to our house two days prior to watch Nolan for me so I could go to my OB appointment. We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I took him, my mom and brother out to lunch afterwards to celebrate my mom's birthday, which had been the week before. It just didn't seem real - it still doesn't.
I am so sad. I miss my dad so much. I thought this was supposed to get better. I have a husband and two children who need me and I can barely function. I don't care what I look like anymore and I wish I did - I want to care. I'm taking some medication for situational depression - as my doctor calls it - and I usually feel okay in the mornings but horrible by the end of the day. I'm numb.
I cry every night as I lay in bed praying that nobody else I care about dies but I know they all will - we all will die, that is for certain. I believe in and love God. I know my father is with Him now but I selfishly wish he was still here with us. I wish he had gotten the chance to meet his granddaughter who shares his middle name. I wish he had been here to see Nolan turn 3 years old. I wish he could see the new paint colors we picked out for our house and the new patio we put in. There is not a day that has gone by in the last six months where I have not wanted to call my dad to tell him something, to hear his voice and his laugh. I can't bear to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year without him. I would always come down the stairs at our house the morning of Christmas and he would have the tree lights on, Christmas music playing, coffee in hand smiling and wishing me "Merry Christmas".
This sucks. I can't stop crying and it's only 9:15am. I know I am lucky to have had a wonderful, caring, loving father but I sure wish I could at least give him one more hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.
It's been six months and other than Kaitlyn being born, it has been the absolute worst six months of my 33 years of life. I want to enjoy my life with my kids. I want to be as awesome of a parent as my dad was to me. I want to know how to go on.
I love you dad - always.
Six months ago tonight, my father died at home in his bed from a heart attack. My mother found him and she heard little gasps of breath, but his whole face was red and she new something was wrong. My brother tried to save him by giving him CPR and even ran outside to get a neighbor to try to help. The paramedics tried for over an hour to revive him - to no avail - he was gone. He was only 67 years old, and just barely.
When my brother called me that night, April 28th, I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My husband and I were getting ready to take Nolan upstairs to read him his bedtime stories and say goodnight. I don't know what made me answer my cell phone, because it was 8pm-ish and I normally would have just let it go to voicemail and would have checked it when I got done with Nolan's bedtime routine. But, I answered it when I saw it was my brother, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I still remember where I was standing in the kitchen and how my heart started racing. I remember yelling, screaming and crying. I remember looking to my husband, who was holding Nolan getting ready to go upstairs for bedtime - the look on my husband's face and how he immediately started crying. I was kneeling on the floor and my whole life flashed before me. My dad was so much a part of my life - all of our lives.
He had just been to our house two days prior to watch Nolan for me so I could go to my OB appointment. We went for a walk around my neighborhood and I took him, my mom and brother out to lunch afterwards to celebrate my mom's birthday, which had been the week before. It just didn't seem real - it still doesn't.
I am so sad. I miss my dad so much. I thought this was supposed to get better. I have a husband and two children who need me and I can barely function. I don't care what I look like anymore and I wish I did - I want to care. I'm taking some medication for situational depression - as my doctor calls it - and I usually feel okay in the mornings but horrible by the end of the day. I'm numb.
I cry every night as I lay in bed praying that nobody else I care about dies but I know they all will - we all will die, that is for certain. I believe in and love God. I know my father is with Him now but I selfishly wish he was still here with us. I wish he had gotten the chance to meet his granddaughter who shares his middle name. I wish he had been here to see Nolan turn 3 years old. I wish he could see the new paint colors we picked out for our house and the new patio we put in. There is not a day that has gone by in the last six months where I have not wanted to call my dad to tell him something, to hear his voice and his laugh. I can't bear to think of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year without him. I would always come down the stairs at our house the morning of Christmas and he would have the tree lights on, Christmas music playing, coffee in hand smiling and wishing me "Merry Christmas".
This sucks. I can't stop crying and it's only 9:15am. I know I am lucky to have had a wonderful, caring, loving father but I sure wish I could at least give him one more hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.
It's been six months and other than Kaitlyn being born, it has been the absolute worst six months of my 33 years of life. I want to enjoy my life with my kids. I want to be as awesome of a parent as my dad was to me. I want to know how to go on.
I love you dad - always.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Lost
I don't know where to go from here.
Physically, I know exactly where I am located. Mentally and emotionally, I have no clue where I am or where I am going to end up.
I love my beautiful children and I love my husband but I am far from loving myself. My new self. This person who is left after death and birth. I feel so different than I did before but nothing else seems to have changed.
Still, almost 6 months later, I catch myself thinking that this is all a horrible nightmare. Then I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that God has given me a gift - the gift of life. I feel so selfish. I want to feel better. I want to not miss him so much. I want to stop crying. Every. Single. Day.
Physically, I know exactly where I am located. Mentally and emotionally, I have no clue where I am or where I am going to end up.
I love my beautiful children and I love my husband but I am far from loving myself. My new self. This person who is left after death and birth. I feel so different than I did before but nothing else seems to have changed.
Still, almost 6 months later, I catch myself thinking that this is all a horrible nightmare. Then I look at my beautiful baby girl and I know that God has given me a gift - the gift of life. I feel so selfish. I want to feel better. I want to not miss him so much. I want to stop crying. Every. Single. Day.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)