Anxious

Mondays have a whole new meaning when you know you are going to be "weighing in" for the week.  I don't know how to feel about this week.  I was able to go to dinner with two of my bestest friends in the whole world on Tuesday and though I ditched the fries, I had a bowl of potato soup...it was sooooo yummy though.  I immediately regretted it and felt guilty the entire ride home.  It was so great to see my friends though...especially since Jen lives in CO and I get to see her once a year when she is home for the summer since she's a teacher. 

I did go to my step aerobics class on Saturday morning, though I was so lost this week.  They have different teachers every other Saturday, and I had never been to this girl's class.  She was young and super fast.  Oh well!  I did sweat and was out of breath part of the time, so hoping it was a good workout!  Also went for a family walk around our subdivision yesterday.  Baby was crabby at the end though, which actually helped me walk faster, so that was a hidden benefit.

My husband's sister and her son came to visit us today...they live over in Allegan, so she made quite the drive.  She wanted to see our kids and the house.  We moved in last year and she hadn't been to see it yet.  We had a hectic morning of grocery shopping for the week and cleaning so I completely forgot about what I was going to feed them for dinner.  My husband just decided to get pizza...ahhh!  My weakness!  I hadn't eaten much all day so I did have two pieces of pizza but I didn't eat the crusts (my fave part!) and I didn't have breadsticks or sauce (my hubby is killing me with these temptations!).  Still feel guilty and I'm still hungry.  It is after 8pm though so I shouldn't eat.  I may have to have a handful of almonds or something though to tide me over to my morning coffee and either oatmeal or fruit. 

PLEASE let me have lost weight this week! 

I had a very hard emotional week as well.  The kids were not napping well and I really miss my dad.  Hope all the stress didn't sabotage my (mostly) healthy eating!  We'll know tomorrow!  Have a great night and keep your fingers crossed for me!

Starting Over

Well, this day is starting off completely horrible.  Weighed in and I gained two pounds this week.  I don't understand at all.  I know I didn't work out every day but I worked out 2 times, which is way more than before!  I didn't eat any cereal (other than instant oatmeal), fast food, chips, sweets and didn't drink soda or juice.  I drank only water and coffee (limited to two cups a day) and ate salads, veggies and fruits.  I don't know what else to do.  I tried my best and the results are the worst.  I am so upset about it right now.

My daughter isn't sleeping as late as she used to and won't take naps for me.  When my husband is home on the weekends she naps for him.  My son is driving me nuts...he follows me everywhere so when I need to put the baby down for a nap, he tries to come upstairs with me and he's so loud she wakes up.  They were both just crying a few minutes ago so I started crying.  I feel like such a failure.  My husband didn't have a problem getting her to nap yesterday and my son didn't follow him everywhere.  Then, when I try to explain to my husband how difficult it is, I don't think he fully believes me.

On top of everything, my car's air conditioning went out, again, and so my husband had to take it in this morning.  I now have no way of going anywhere all day long...and it's raining so we can't go outside.  Hopefully, it stops sometime this morning so we can at least go for a walk or something.

Gained weight, feel like a horrible mother, don't think my husband understands me right now and it's crappy outside.  That about sums up my life right now.  Wish something would go my way.  I know that is selfish because my children are healthy and safe as are myself and my husband.  I am very thankful for this, I don't want to make light of these things, I am just having a rough time right now...I'm sure it will get better.

I wish I could call my dad and talk; it always made me feel better.  I miss him so much and I wish this would get easier.  I picture him walking through my front door, smiling and laughing.  It hurts so much...I think I may run out of tears.

One "Step" in the Right Direction

Well, I didn't get any suggestions on home workout DVDs so I'll keep searching the internet and asking all of my mommy friends.  But, I did get to the gym this morning!  YAY!  I went to Step Aerobics class for the first time since last September and it is still so fun to me!  I love that class because I forget that I'm working out and then it's done.  I am not the most coordinated person in the world (serious understatement there) but somehow I can usually get the step routines after a few tries.  There was one today that I wasn't 100% great on, but I think part of it was because my body was like, "What are you doing to me? Why aren't we sitting on the couch?".  So, I'm a bit tired right now, but I feel so good.  Hopefully I can go every Saturday morning.  My son still loves the child care center, so I took him with me and my husband stayed home with the baby.  This is not the ideal situation because now my husband will have to go to the gym later and it will take away from family time, but it is only temporary.  Once Kaitlyn is older, I will feel comfortable taking her to the child care center and we can all go together and knock it out at once so we have more time together later on in the day.  I'm hoping to go to the gym tomorrow as well, but not sure what I'll do.  There is a spin class in the morning, but not sure I'm up for that yet.  We'll see and I'll keep you posted!

Weighing In

So, it has been a week since I first weighed in and so I was not looking forward to stepping onto the scale this morning, but I did it anyway.  I now weigh 204.4 lbs; only lost 2.4 lbs in the first week.  Not great.  Not what I was hoping for, but at least I didn't gain weight I guess.  Probably didn't help that we had two parties this weekend, though I didn't eat any chips and only had a small brownie yesterday.  I just couldn't say "no" on the Fourth of July!  I should have, though, but I doubt it would have made me lose much more.  Oh well.  I did pretty well on eating better and my husband and I definitely connected more this week.  Helps that he is off of work Friday through tomorrow, so we are able to spend good quality time together.  I didn't do well with the being active portion of my goals.  Took the kids to the zoo on Wednesday but other than that it has been extremely hot and humid here in Michigan so I just have not felt like doing anything outside. My gym membership has been re-activated, however, so I have no excuses for not going to work out...my husband is home to watch the kids so I should be going to the gym every day!  I have failed to acheive my goal this week.  When my husband is home and we are all together I find it very difficult to just leave and take time for myself.  I don't know why this is and it is very annoying to me at the end of the day.  Why can't I just take time for me?  What is wrong with me?  I know I should, but I get caught up in changing diapers, washing bottles, doing laundry, etc. and then I am too tired and very unmotivated.  I definitely will have to work on getting active this week, though it is already 90 degrees out and it is only 10am here.  Ugh.  I guess I will have to get to the gym, somehow.  Part of it is too that since I haven't been in a while, I am not sure what to do when I get there.  What if I see the personal trainer who first helped me out?  Will she judge me for putting all of the weight back on?  I probably shouldn't care what she thinks but I do.

Hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July yesterday!  We spent it at my Mom's house helping her fix up some things around the house that my Dad didn't get around to doing before he passed away.  I missed him so much yesterday.  Well, I miss him every day, but when we are all there at the house it just hurts more.  I have flashbacks to playing baseball with him in the yard, getting wheelbarrow rides down the road and learning to ride my bike.  I thought that he would be around to do all of these same things with my children and I get extremely upset and sad all over again knowing that he will not be there, he is gone forever.  I would give anything to hug him right now and see his smile.  He was so kind to me and really took the time to be a father.  I love him so much and just really miss him right now.

Ugh...I Detest You, Yummy Mexican Food

I was doing pretty well with the food part of my goals...until dinner today.  I had another stressful day with the kids at home...my son doesn't want to nap and neither does the baby.  I didn't have time to shower, did two loads of laundry, changed the crib sheets and almost constantly had to hold baby girl.  She was not crying but quite fussy and wanted to be near me, which is fine.  I discovered why she was so fussy...around 4:30pm or so she had a giant poopy!  Luckily, she was wearing her bumGenius AIO...I love that dipe on her!  She pooped her life away and that dipe did not leak!  Love it!  Anyway, I digress.  My husband was running late and so I had to give baby girl her bath and get her to bed by myself.  That is no big deal except my son doesn't love being by himself long and so I had to turn the TV on...ugh.  Oh well, sue me.  I got her to bed and my husband is on the computer looking up take out places.  I am exhausted and have no will to argue.  Luckily, the Italian place was closed or I would have done even more damage.  We settled on Mexican and I decided chicken fajitas wouldn't be that bad...chicken, veggies, salsa.  Except I could not resist the darn flour tortillas, rice and cheese.  Oh well.  I didn't finish the cheese or rice and didn't eat one tortilla chip, so I guess it was a small victory...a very, very small victory.  :)  Here is to hoping my resolve is strong over the Holiday weekend!

Here We Go - I Can't Believe I'm Posting This

It will be two months this evening since my dad has passed away and I feel like a large part of me has "passed" away as well.  I am not really interested in much, not that I have a lot of free time with an almost two month old baby and a 2 and 1/2 year old toddler.  But I used to care about things, used to plan play dates and dinners with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the drive to do these things anymore and I'm sick of feeling this way.  It is not PPD, I think I had a moderate case of that with my son, but this is different.  It has nothing to do with me feeling like I'm a bad mother or being overwhelmed or anything...that is what I felt like with my son.  I know it has to do with my dad's death but I just don't know how to go about feeling like my old self again. 

So, I would like to use my blog, which is relatively new and had no real point to it anyway, to document my journey.  I would call it a weight loss blog, except this is about so much more than my weight.  I need to change a lot of things in my life, though weight is a big one to me.  I have always struggled with my weight and having 2 children has just made it more difficult to manage.  I am somewhere between 5' 6'' and 5' 7'' tall and before I got pregnant with my son in 2007 I weighed about 160 lbs and wore a size 10.  I was working out and eating relatively healthy.  I felt great.  I was happy.  I have never been "skinny" and probably never will.  I liked my curves and had no problem with being a size 10. 

My husband and I in Punta Cana, September 2008, a few months before I became pregnant with my son.

After I had my son and decided I needed to lose weight, I weighed 194 and got down to 174 and a size 14, a size 12 in some types of clothing, before I got pregnant with my daughter last year.  The trainer at our gym, whom I had asked for help, evaluated my fitness level before I started losing weight and said my ideal weight for my age/height was 138 lbs.  Ha!  I've no recollection of ever weighing that, but okay.  I had been working out 4 times a week and eating better.  It took me about 7 months to lose those 20 lbs once I dedicated myself to doing so.  It was difficult for me to lose weight with a child and nobody nearby to watch him so I could go to the gym, but my son loved the gym daycare, so it was getting a bit easier...we had a daily routine.  I was going out with friends, taking my son on lots of play dates and my marriage was happy and healthy. 

December 2008 - around when I started dedicating myself to losing the baby weight from my 1st pregnancy 

Dave Matthews Band concert with my best friend - July 2009 - down 20 lbs - I became pregnant with my daughter a few days after this photo was taken

Then, I became pregnant again.  I vowed to do everything different so that I didn't have to go through all the weight loss again, but I became very sick with her and could only keep down bread basically.  I gained more weight than I wanted to with this pregnancy and am now right back where I started...only worse.  I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 206.8 lbs!  That is horrible and I feel horrible.  I can't believe I'm letting anyone, and everyone, know how much I weigh but hopefully it will make me stick to my goals.  I know that ultimately I only have to answer to myself, but maybe if I feel guilty about letting down my readers I will do even better!  I feel crappy. I have no energy and hate picking out clothes every day.  I miss myself.

Father's Day - June 2010 - Kaitlyn and I celebrating at home

I laid out big picture goals in Saturday's post but I also think I should have mini goals.  Heaven knows I cannot accomplish everything I would like to in a matter of days, or months.  I am not naive; I know I am not on "The Biggest Loser" or "Oprah".  I do not have unlimited funds to hire a personal trainer, nanny or chef.  I cannot lose 90 lbs, eat 100% healthy all the time, make love to my husband daily, be a perfect mother all day every day or suddenly just be done grieving my dad's death overnight.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am hoping to re-discover the joys in my life I once had.  I will never be pefect...how boring is that?  I just want to be happy...maybe 90% of the time?  :) 

Here is what I'm thinking...I am going to eliminate soda pop and fast food from my diet.  I am going to drink more water and eat more fruit and veggies.  I am going to re-instate my gym membership and make sure I am active every day for at least 30 minutes, preferably with my family.  I am going to set aside at least one night a week to hang out with my husband once the kids are both in bed...I usually just go to bed because I am so exhausted.  Lastly, I am going to make sure I post here on my blog at least 3 times a week about how I am feeling in general but also specifically my feelings regarding my dad's death.  I don't know if I'm ready to see a professional to discuss my issues regarding this but maybe if I write about my feelings it will be like I'm "talking" to a psychiatrist.  If it doesn't work, I can definitely explore that option; I'm not ruling it out.

These are just my short-term goals and I plan to set more specific goals after 2 weeks, once I see how I am doing.  Some things will probably have to be modified, added, subtracted, whatever.  This is my best attempt at becoming a better me.  Thanks for your support...here goes nothing, I mean, here goes something...

My dad and I on my wedding day - September 24, 2005

Going in a new direction

Today is my birthday and I'm not even remotely excited.  I miss my dad so much still and it literally hurts.  But, I cannot continue to deal with it the way I am, by eating my sorrows.  I am going to have to become accountable for my actions and my feelings and deal with them in a more productive way.  So, I decided to write on my blog for the first time in a month and publicly post my goals for the world (or my handful of readers) to see.

1. Eat healthier.  I need to set a good example for my children.  I don't want them to lose their mother early, the way I lost my father.  It isn't an option.
2. Become more active.  Again, I need to set a good example for my children.  My son is pretty active, but I need to integrate daily activity into our family life.  It needs to be what we do normally, not something for special occasions.
3. Make time for my marriage.  I love my husband and we need to figure out how to set aside time for the two of us.  It means so much to me.  This needs to happen but I'm just not sure how to go about it yet since I am not comfortable leaving my children with anyone except family and they don't live nearby.
4. Figure out if I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling...by that I mean other than someone I know.  I think I may need to talk to a professional about how upset I still am about losing my dad.  I cry every day...not in front of anyone, well, except Kaitlyn.  It usually hits when I'm feeding her alone in her room.  I start thinking of all the things I wanted my children to do with their Grandpa and I lose it.  I don't know if this is normal, but I am miserable.  I also don't like how everyone avoids the topic...I don't want to pretend my dad never existed.

I reserve the right to update/change these goals as I see fit.  Thanks for your support and look for another post regarding this on Monday, though I don't know if anyone follows my blog anymore.  I had to put these in writing though so I become accountable for my actions.  I'm 33 today and I have to start growing up!